But that's not why I don't want him on the dime. Look, you know when you pick some change out of your pocket and find one that looks funny and you think, "Oh, that's probably just some small piece of devalued curreny from some third world nation," and then you promptly throw it away? Well, I know what the dime looks like, and if it starts looking different, I'll probably just start throwing it away. Yeah, I know that it's just some small piece of devalued curreny from some first world nation, but putting Ron's bust on it, isn't that kind of like having him saying, "Hey, I'm the guy who devalued this!"

But there's a bigger (or smaller) reason than that. Put it this way: The dime's too damned small. I mean, it's the smallest coin we have and that's hardly befitting of the size of the legend of the man. I mean, we could put him on a new silver dollar, but what with that Susan B. Anthony thing being a flop, I'd hate for a similar fate to befall Ron. Then we'd have to go through this whole argument again over which dollar bill to put him on and who we had to kick off to do so. And I've even thought about that a bit.

Look, the biggest bill we print anymore is the hundred. Come on. Is that really big enough to befit the man's legendary status? And if we start printing something bigger, it's liable to just be Susan B. Anthony redux, and then we'd be right back where we started.

So I was thinking about this, because you know that they're not going to let up until they get something of more significance than an airport or some obscure federal building. And I think I've come up with the perfect answer: Mars. Yup, the Red Planet. Think about it. Isn't he supposed to be the guy that ended the Red Planet on Earth? So what could be more befitting than renaming Mars after him? And you really can't get much bigger than Mars.

Besides, it fits in nicely with Bush's new Mars Mission plans, which apparently have not been very well received in some Republican camps. But if you're going to actually name the planet after Ron, well, what Republican wouldn't support the plan then?

And it does solve the problem of what to do when we get there. I mean, it would be just too corny to try one of those "one small step for man" pronouncements again. So instead we can have the official renaming ceremony as we plant the flag there. It'd be a TV ratings coup.

And then we could all go outside at night and look up in the sky and say, "Ah, there you are Ronald Reagan, bigger than life." And it will be true!

Besides, it would almost be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Back when Ron was still President, someone asked me, "Is that man from Mars?" And even back then I thought he was.